When you left me, it is not a single instance where I have to deal with few minutes of missing you, hours of crying, days of a hurting heart and painful chest. I also have to deal with how my own mind is playing me. Denying, imagining, longing, regretting and wishing. All of these mixed up in my head will be the biggest reason why I will take time in finding out the real Whys and Hows. There are times when I want to believe I’m okay, convincing myself and others that I can do anything on my own and that I am strong enough to be left alone. When the truth is, most of my time is being used wondering how I can move on with the pain of being left by you, who will never, ever, come back.
I am always the storm and I remember you being the calmness after it. When the time is still ours, you were the only optimistic soul on my pessimistic world. You always believe that I have a magic wand hand and everything that it touches will become beautiful. Listening to my rants is your bedtime stories and when my sun doesn’t shine, you always let your moon shine bright for me.
Disremembering you seems easier than forgetting what you have made me.
You taught me to become a drizzle. Nowadays, my head turns where there is light. You made me believe in myself and your memories are now my sweetest dreams. Whenever my sun doesn’t shine, you taught me how to push away the dark clouds blocking it.
I can never go back and I don’t even want to. I want to forget, not you, but this aching that won’t let me pass thru. So, this year’s finale will be the end of you. You meddling with my life’s decisions, you appearing on my self-representations, you bringing me down and leaving my heart in pain.
Tomorrow is New Year. Your soft touches and your melodic voice will be kept, other than that, all will be set free.
I have been impatient almost my whole life. Short-tempered. Meeting frogs before finding “the one” who will refuse to let go of me is just as difficult as searching for yourself when you don’t even know it at all. Then I lost “the one” – myself is never the same again.
A certain emptiness is face to face with me, of me no one to care for who cares for me. A friend once said “Don’t close your door to other people”. No more door since that day, even the windows are shattered into pieces. I’ve become an open wound, carelessly exposed.
As what I am supposed to do, I started by starting again. No one knows me the way he did. I saw myself in search again for that “self” that I just found when I met him.
A year has passed.
I haven’t thought this day will have this huge power over me. I have been disoriented for days as tomorrow approaches. I know what I wanted and where I want to be but somehow I’m currently lost. I really don’t want to bring up more painful thoughts to the people around me, it’s somewhat shameful, they must be tired of it. Truth is I fear this day and I fear this pain.
When it will ever be?
He’s never coming back, I already told myself hundreds of times.
God knows WHY, WHAT IS and WHAT SHOULD BE
I should keep me alive, I need to find myself again. Death haven’t killed the one that never dies. Our love is always alive.
Rest in peace to our times, our life together and the husband I knew. Just rest right there within my heart, should it become tired, I will make sure I’m not losing you, again.