Now I See

Tonight, while I was browsing through my old clothes, I found his favorite jacket. That old, torn and brown one he always used to wear.

It was kept because it gives me the feeling of his presence whenever I see it.

For the past months, I already convinced myself and others (maybe) that I’m truthfully happy with my “freedom”.

Until tonight, the moment my hands are again touching his beloved jacket… “Am I really free?”

At this moment of writing/typing, I realized how imprisoned I am from the pain within me. It didn’t took time. I still long for his life, his movements, unique habits, his smile and stares.

“Let go. Just let go.” 

I repeatedly told myself right now. “It should be easy for you.” Myself thought.

I think I’m hurting my heart.

I’m still this person who’s in pain and behind the bars of being left by the one she truly loves.

I don’t want to be anymore. 

So I have to let this jacket go.

How far should I go to find me feeling okay with this? 

How many times should I let go just to be free?

Now I see: Freedom is not really the state of not being imprisoned by someone’s presence but rather the state of not being lost because of someone’s absence.