Goodbye to you. Happy New Year to me.

When you left me, it is not a single instance where I have to deal with few minutes of missing you, hours of crying, days of a hurting heart and painful chest. I also have to deal with how my own mind is playing me. Denying, imagining, longing, regretting and wishing. All of these mixed up in my head will be the biggest reason why I will take time in finding out the real Whys and Hows. There are times when I want to believe I’m okay, convincing myself and others that I can do anything on my own and that I am strong enough to be left alone. When the truth is, most of my time is being used wondering how I can move on with the pain of being left by you, who will never, ever, come back.

I am always the storm and I remember you being the calmness after it. When the time is still ours, you were the only optimistic soul on my pessimistic world. You always believe that I have a magic wand hand and everything that it touches will become beautiful. Listening to my rants is your bedtime stories and when my sun doesn’t shine, you always let your moon shine bright for me.

Disremembering you seems easier than forgetting what you have made me.

You taught me to become a drizzle. Nowadays, my head turns where there is light. You made me believe in myself and your memories are now my sweetest dreams. Whenever my sun doesn’t shine, you taught me how to push away the dark clouds blocking it.

I can never go back and I don’t even want to. I want to forget, not you, but this aching that won’t let me pass thru. So, this year’s finale will be the end of you. You meddling with my life’s decisions, you appearing on my self-representations, you bringing me down and leaving my heart in pain.

Tomorrow is New Year. Your soft touches and your melodic voice will be kept, other than that, all will be set free.

 

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Now I See

Tonight, while I was browsing through my old clothes, I found his favorite jacket. That old, torn and brown one he always used to wear.

It was kept because it gives me the feeling of his presence whenever I see it.

For the past months, I already convinced myself and others (maybe) that I’m truthfully happy with my “freedom”.

Until tonight, the moment my hands are again touching his beloved jacket… “Am I really free?”

At this moment of writing/typing, I realized how imprisoned I am from the pain within me. It didn’t took time. I still long for his life, his movements, unique habits, his smile and stares.

“Let go. Just let go.” 

I repeatedly told myself right now. “It should be easy for you.” Myself thought.

I think I’m hurting my heart.

I’m still this person who’s in pain and behind the bars of being left by the one she truly loves.

I don’t want to be anymore. 

So I have to let this jacket go.

How far should I go to find me feeling okay with this? 

How many times should I let go just to be free?

Now I see: Freedom is not really the state of not being imprisoned by someone’s presence but rather the state of not being lost because of someone’s absence.

Laho

​Ikaw ang tanging pangarap,

Na tinitingala sa lumalampas pa sa mga ulap.

Awang sa Kanya’y hinihiling,

“Ito na lang po, wala na kong ibang aasamin.”

Distansyang hindi matapos,

Dinudurog na ang pusong sa pag-asa’y kapos.

Umiikli na ang oras,

Habang lumalapit ang pagdaos.

Natatakot marinig,

Sasabog na ang dibdib.

Ang itulak ka palayo,

Ay ang pagtanggap sa katotohanang hindi ka magiging akin.

Tumakbo na lang ng matulin,

Habang naglalaho ka sa aking paningin.

Hapo

Dapat ikaw ang sasagip,

Sa tinig kong nawawalan ng himig.

Pero bakit iyong ipinagkait,

Kapatawarang ibinibigay kahit ng langit.

Nais mo’y laging umalingawngaw,

Sa silid nating pinatayan na ng ilaw.

Hindi ka ba napapaos?

O gustuhing ito’y matapos?

Hiling ko sana’y lumiban ka na,

Sa masalimuot at nakakatinik na katha.

Hindi ka ba napapagod?

Pagkatao ko’y hapo na sa malungkot mong hagod.

Maraming tanong na naghahanap ng kasagutan,

Ngunit hindi ko na sa’yo ito matagpuan.

Lahat ng pagsubok ng nakaraan,

Malinaw ko ng binibitawan.

Ayoko. Gusto ko. Magulo.

Mabigat. Masakit na sa ulo.

Sana’y matapos na ang kadiliman na mayroon tayo

At iwanan ang bawat isa sa’tin na natuto.

Pagkalito sa Mistulang Sigurado

Siguro nga musika mo ang tinatangi, sa iyong himig ako’y isinayaw mo

Siguro nga sa’yo ako patungo, naiibang yugto kung saan matututo

Siguro nga mga hibla mo ang pupuno, sa mga espasyong iniwan ng tampo

Siguro nga mga titig mo ang tuwirang tutunaw sa pusong mailap sa init

Siguro nga sa’yo lilinaw, liliwanag, ang bahaging natakpan na ng anino

Siguro nga maririnig mo ang hiyaw, ng kumakawala kong pangarap

Siguro nga matutupad mo ang mga pangakong binali ng ilang milyong lumipas na segundo

Siguro nga maaaninag mo ang tunay na kulay na tinatangi ko

Siguro nga ikaw ang pagtitimpi sa mga bagay na dapat ng itago

Siguro nga gunita ka ng bukas na ang tanging hangad ay kalinawan

Siguro nga hindi ito silakbo lamang, pagkahumaling na pangmatagalan

Siguro nga ikaw ang sisilipin, sa tuwing nariyan na ang takipsilim

Siguro nga dito sa kalituhan,

Ikaw ang kundiman,

Kaulayaw ng pangarap na nilikha kailan lang.

525,600 Minutes

Pangs’ last words

I have been impatient almost my whole life. Short-tempered. Meeting frogs before finding “the one” who will refuse to let go of me is just as difficult as searching for yourself when you don’t even know it at all. Then I lost “the one” – myself is never the same again.

A certain emptiness is face to face with me, of me no one to care for who cares for me. A friend once said “Don’t close your door to other people”. No more door since that day, even the windows are shattered into pieces. I’ve become an open wound, carelessly exposed.

As what I am supposed to do, I started by starting again. No one knows me the way he did. I saw myself in search again for that “self” that I just found when I met him.

A year has passed.

I haven’t thought this day will have this huge power over me. I have been disoriented for days as tomorrow approaches. I know what I wanted and where I want to be but somehow I’m currently lost. I really don’t want to bring up more painful thoughts to the people around me, it’s somewhat shameful, they must be tired of it. Truth is I fear this day and I fear this pain.

Closure?

When it will ever be? 

He’s never coming back, I already told myself hundreds of times.

God knows WHY, WHAT IS and WHAT SHOULD BE

I should keep me alive, I need to find myself again. Death haven’t killed the one that never dies. Our love is always alive.

Rest in peace to our times, our life together and the husband I knew. Just rest right there within my heart, should it become tired, I will make sure I’m not losing you, again.

Al Khor Park

For QAR 5/head, a visit to this place doesn’t deserve a second thought. With enough car parking space you won’t have a problem. Great lanscapes, beautifully made murals, skateboard ramp, sights of different animals, a bird aviation with a relaxing set-up, basketball court and a big playground for kids and kids at heart! They have restaurants, too! But if you like to bring food, it is allowed. As long as you clean after yourselves that won’t be a problem.

Captured using Sony Xperia Z2. Enjoy~!

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